Have you ever reflected upon who you truly are? Have you ever asked yourself a question `Who am I?` Ask why? At least to explore the reasons of pain, suffer, fears, worries, feelings and liberate yourself from them.
Start exploring your `I`- this is a constantly changing idea of your mind about itself. And you will notice that your `I` is like this today, tomorrow it is different and in many years this `I` wonders:
`Oh God, how different I used to be, how I have changed, how could it have been me?`
Who am I truly? First of all, I might be a body. But when did `I` appear? At the moment when my body was born? Or my `I` is from that pile of sperm which poured on the ovum? Or maybe `I` is in my mother`s and father`s thoughts? Yes, but then `I` had not been a body yet, which seems to embody my `I`. All in all, I don`t remember all that. There is something wrong. My `I` is likely to have appeared when I was born. I don`t remember that too! Then why have I decided that my `I` appeared when my body appeared? My parents told about that even showing pictures: `Look! How you looked like when you were born!`, and I believed that my born body that was `I`, but I went completely blank. But I didn`t accept myself as `I` and couldn`t say what I did `right` or `wrong`. Yes, and by the way, what is `right` and `wrong`? Because then I had no idea what `right` or `wrong` is but at the same time was doing everything the way it should be. Where has this `right` come from? I used to be doing that and I didn`t need to know whether I was doing it right. Again `I`. But I didn`t know then that `I` is `I`. And I didn`t know anything then at all, but meanwhile I was happening on my own without the slightest idea about myself. My ignorance of who I am didn`t prevent my body from taking necessary for it actions. Then I am not a body, then who am I?
When did self-identification of my `I` appeared? How did that `I`, which created an image about itself `I am a human`, appeared? How did that happen? Why, when the body was born, it could greatly exist without this `I`, and then suddenly `I` appeared , and now I know that `I` is `I`? But I can`t say when it appeared , I can`t answer this question. I can`t even answer the question `Who am I?` Because my `I` is constantly changing: today `I` is a child, tomorrow `I` is an adult, the day after tomorrow `I` is an old man. All these `I`s are completely different. And this `I` in in the old body is to disappear in a moment, and `I` is somehow afraid of it. Stop, wait a minute: how can `I` disappear? I can`t imagine that, but my `I` is afraid of this. But why does `I` think that it will die even though it can`t imagine its death? To be precise, it can imagine how its body dies, but can`t imagine how will it die by itself. Yeah! Probably after its death my `I` will leave for the other world, reincarnate into another body and, in such a way, will live in constantly changing, disappearing...
Probably, `I` reincarnated from the past life, but I also don`t know about that anything. How to find it out? Maybe, one should ask somebody who knows what is reincarnation. Curious mind is trying to find an answer to the question: `What is reincarnation?` and gets a mountain of answers which are very different in form and content. Probably, one of this answers without having been experienced but having been accepted on faith, becomes inner conviction that `I was born , will be living for some years, then will die, to be precise, not even die but reincarnate into the another body`. But then it goes again that I am temporarily in this body and I am not a body at all. Then who am I?
It appears that `I` is kind of a constantly changing image, created by dependent mind about itself: `I` - child, `I` - pupil, `I` - teenager, and finally `I` - the in love one...God, what a wonderful world, filled with such incredible feelings, how beautiful it is! But suddenly the world, which was so beautiful yesterday, got full of unbearable suffering, now `I` is without love in the world. Now is nothing making `I` happy in this world. But then the world appears to have changed – the world which was beautiful one moment ago, is suddenly turned upside down completely and my `I` has even lost its previous sense! But nobody except my `I` has noticed anything as the rest of the world hasn`t changed. My `I` must have changed but my body hasn`t. Again it shows that `I` is not a body. But what then is `I` in me? Where is it in me? Why is my `I` so changeable? How can I be changing so quickly? What is wrong with my `I`? Why can it change not only during its lifetime but also in one moment? One moment it is happy another moment it worries, colouring and changing the perceiving world. Here is `I`, and here is the man knocked down by a car and `I` doesn`t know what will happen with it and its body further. `I` has gone somewhere at all, and there is the body without any `I` lying on the road. Oh, probably `I` was somewhere in this body! It must be that every person`s `I` is in their bodies, in their brains.
Watching a movie about a brain surgery. Where is there `I` of this person? Just kind of grey liquid and blood. There is no any `I`. Where am `I`? Where is `I`? How does `I` exist? And why is `I` always so changeable seeming to be so real but at the same time after deep explorations `I` appears to be nowhere? What is it invisible `I`, which appears and then disappears, constantly changing and imagining itself as something different, identifying itself with its self-portrait?
By the way, who imagines him/herself? Who imagines him/herself as a body or a role played in the society? Who is this `I` experiencing the events, giving the experiencing person a special meaning and explanations to everything, which are not explanations but just deception as it appears later? And sometimes wandering in his/her own explanations, the experiencing person suffers so much that it is ready to destroy the body which, according to it, bears so much stress. But is it the body that brings so much stress – is it the same body which had existed before `I` appeared? It has always taken care of itself and has existed on its own without any `I` until `I` appeared and began to destroy, creating sufferings by its imaginations and evaluations of the ongoing events.
How can it be? What are the contradictions in this `I`? How can such a contradictory `I` exist and in whom does it exist? Where is my `I`? What does it consist of? If the body had existed before the appearance of my `I` and will have been existing for some time, when there will be no my `I`, then the body is not `I`? But if `I` is not a body, then what is `I`? Is what I think my `I` is real? And who is the one who thinks so? Doesn`t he exist, does he imagine himself? If `I` is imaginative, unreal, so there is no the one who experiences, but then who experiences? What is experience, what is its genuine nature? How from the pure experience does this imaginative world and its idea about my `I` appear? What is that an imaginative `I` which has associated itself with everything possible but which is nowhere? What are these nonexistent limits of `I`, which create the feeling of bondage? What is this `I` which is constantly running after ghostly slipping happiness and constantly living in fears and worries? What is this `I` which always needs self-identification, which suffers from contradictions and objections from its idea about itself and the surrounding world and at the same time can be completely harmless and even amusing, if all created ideas about it are realized as thoughts?
In order to liberate from the limited idea about yourself, which brings us pain and suffering, continue self-exploration in the same direction, asking questions and receiving answers, explore them to the complete recognition of inability of each. Do not limit yourself with any idea of your mind about your `I`. The knowledge about `I` is not conceptual, and nobody besides you can give you an answer on the question `who am I`? Do not create new concepts about your `I`, do not accept on faith any of another person and do not deny old concepts blindly without exploration. Keep on persistent exploration of yourself until you experience full realization of your genuine I.
Author: Stanislav Milevich
Translator: Nataly Zhemchugova